Can't keep a good girl down

I am freshly back to the office after a very productive therapy session (cum ciggie) with my co-worker, twin soul-sistah S. Like every other human being on Earth, I have the capacity to suffer for a while, my stomach twisted into a knot, suffering nightmares every night, brain fried from asking myself "What did I do wrong?" or worse, "What could I have done differently?" I have tortured myself (and my loyal readers) for a few weeks now regarding the BF thing. But today it's a beautiful day out there... Really baby blue skies, with a few cotton-candy clouds, turkey vultures not anywhere in sight, the sun shining like a benevolent parent, a slight sea-smelling breeze blowing.

So, my point: Why keep suffering? Things will either be or not. People will either love you or not, or even hate you. You can't force people to want to be with you but neither can they impose their will on you. Life goes on, and really this is not going to continue being a problem for me. I won't let it. I have come to my limit of useless suffering and self-torture.

Yesterday, feeling very weak, unwanted and insignificant, I called my so-called BF twice. Once at around dinner time and then again at bedtime. During both calls he was very cordial and polite and subtly indicated to me that there was no interest on his part other than to have small talk. So, I gave up, I threw in the towel. He has my number and he has fingers to dial it if he so desires. But I cannot wait until he decides to call, because I am 52 for one more week and I need to have fun and live my life, just like anyone else.

I have been a good GF. I have loved him, really loved him. Helped him in any way I could, tried to be with him in good and in bad, gave him the benefit of the doubt always, stuck up for him, I did my best. I can at least feel a bit of pride in that. Then I can just go on. Breaking my usual routine, I will go to Happy Hour tonight with my sister and my friends and I know we will have fun. Good, clean fun.

Enjoy your day in your part of the world. Make sure you look at every little bird and every little flower and leaf and tree and cloud. Your problems will always be there (or may go away if you're lucky) but the beauty around us is our compensation for all the crap we have to go through. And it really does compensate!