Suicide Blonde

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Observed in Traffic

Two observations:

1) Last Saturday I was picking up my mother from Weight Watchers. I was in her car, which has one of those handicapped stickers, because she is, well, handicapped. My mom walks with a walker and it takes her a long time to get from point A to point B. She was walking very slowly and I was in the car waiting for her to get in. A car drove up behind me and started honking. I took the handicapped sticker and waved it so the lady would see it, plus she could see my mother struggling to get to the car. The woman was mouthing stuff at me and kept honking her horn. I motioned for her to pass me since my mother was still not in the car. When she passed by me she flipped me the finger and I stared in disbelief at her. Then, after my mom settled in the car we left and caught up at the light with the woman who had flipped me off because my mom was not fast enough for her. On the back of the car was one of those stupid "Jesus is my Co-Pilot" bumper stickers! I don't believe that for one second.

2) This morning I was driving to work and a car came up beside me and cut me off to get in front of me at a red light. I was able to brake in time to not squash her rear bumper, shrugged and just wrote it off as another crazy woman quite possibly very late for work. As I waited at the light I saw that she had two articles hanging from her rear view mirror. One was a rosary with a huge cross. The second article was a set of handcuffs. Classy.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Just Download them Please

Me (after giving my son a list of songs I want downloaded from the Internet): Please download these for me! Puleeeze?

My younger son: Who is this first guy "Moby." Isn't that "Moby Dick?"

Me: No in his case the "Dick" is silent.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Men...Can't Live Without 'Em...but I'm Going to Try...

I'm being facetious (sp?) here but it's my blog so I'm allowed. I love men. My Dad was an exceptional person and the best father, my all-time favorite person and my soul-mate, may he rest in peace. I miss him every day of my life and will never, ever forget him or his sweet smile and tender ways. I got married to my ex-husband and he really is a nice man, a great father, wonderful provider, etc. Can't get along with him but maybe it's just me. I have two sons of the male species (I know that's redundant but I'm trying to make a point) and adore them as you all well know and are almost puking from my sappy mommy posts. Some of my best friends are men, as are some of my favorite bloggers. Even those I just visit and don't comment on because I don't understand them, you know who you are. So, you see, I am perfectly objective and impartial when it comes to this post's subject.

But, "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH MEN?" This is in quotation marks because it is an "important" question.

Scientific explanation: When I was taking Biology eons ago, we were shown a picture of the two X chromosomes women have and the XY chromosomes men have. Helloooooo, am I the only person in the world that notices that the Y chromosome is not really a Y chromosome (yes, repetitive, but I'm making a point)????? Men don't have an X and a Y chromosome, they have two X's but the second one is missing a leg, PEOPLE! This is evidence to the fact that women have considerably more genetic material than men. I am sure none of you will argue this point. This does not mean that women are perfect, indeed we are not and I have known many a woman that I would have happily strangled if I would have been able to get away with it.

My point is that men are "different." And by this I don't mean that they have genetic material unlike ours (which may also be true) but that they are MISSING genetic material. This missing genetic material is evident in the following examples:

Example 1: No man that I have ever known has ever been able to locate things in a pantry, refrigerator, closet, garage, cabinet, drawer or glove compartment. This, in spite of the fact that the thing they are looking for is sometimes right in front of their noses.

Example 2: Even a basketball star that can shoot a basket from way across the court cannot pee directly into the toilet right in front of him.

Example 3: They don't know how to ask directions.

Example 4: When they do something wrong, they do not say they are sorry. They instead head for the door and freedom, even though you just told them "If you leave don't bother coming back!" And that statement doesn't faze them because invariably they do come back, but they don't apologize, they just wear a cute pair of jeans with a nice white t-shirt, lots of cologne, and expect to be loved anyway.

Example 5: Although it's been well documented that they have opposable thumbs just like women, they are unable to do laundry, pick up after themselves, make beds, sort socks or fold towels correctly.

How do you 'splain that?

There are other examples but I won't go on and on.

The reason behind this rant:

Last weekend, things were going very well with BF2 (not to be confused with BF1, who despite being largely ignored, keeps calling). We had been invited to my friend's house for a barbecue. We were two couples, three single women (including my friend), and one single guy, all sitting around the table and enjoying our wine and dinner. My friend's friend is a tiny, skinny woman my age with a huge set of bazoongas. Needless to say, she gets a lot of masculine attention and I think she gets a kick out of this because it can't be a coincidence that the woman doesn't own even one turtleneck. All her tops are extremely low cut so that anyone who cares and even those who don't can get a panoramic and sweeping view of what looks like the Grand Canyon surrounded by Les Grandes Tetons, if you can picture that. If you can't, just fly to Miami, I'll make the necessary introductions.

Well, I've known Ms. DD for about six years and found her to be nice but kind of empty-headed, vain and insecure. My BF2 was sitting across from her at the table and we were all yapping about politics and I soon realized that he was talking only to HER. We were arguing about Hillary vs. Obama and such so we were all interacting, but BF2 was looking at Ms. DD and talking exclusively to her. She, of course, being the kind of person she is, was eating this up and asking him questions point-blank, like if he was a serious political analyst. I heard him answering her, "But, mi amor, everyone knows that Hillary blah blah blah..."

I think I am a secure woman. It did not faze me that he was not looking at me or in any way acknowledging my presence, even though I did make some of my own political observations, which he completely ignored. I have seen other men get "tharn" when looking at Ms. DD so I am used to this. But hearing him calling her "mi amor" like fifty times really ticked me off. To make an extremely long and possibly boring post (to you) a little shorter, he proceeded like this for the four and a half hours we were there. I could have sneaked away, taken off in my car and drove into the nearest canal and he would have been oblivious. Maybe he would even now be oblivious.

We left together, got in my car, drove home without saying word one, changed and went to bed. He was asleep 0.8 seconds after his head hit the pillow. I sat there in the dark with my eyes wide open. If it would have been a cartoon you would have seen only the whites of my eyes in the blackness (@@) for hours while dozens of logs were sawed on his side of the bed, until I finally drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, I got up early and was making breakfast. He got up, dressed and came into the kitchen asking me "What the heck" was wrong that I wasn't talking to him! I sat him down and had an earnest conversation about why I felt uncomfortable with his behavior. I went on to say that I have seen all kinds of fabulously handsome and interesting men around while I've been with him but that I was not going to go overboard, tripping over my feet to talk to these men and lavish attention on them while I was with him, etc. I won't list all the stuff I said but I did maintain my cool and told him I didn't appreciate him calling another woman "mi amor" while he ignored me for hours.

He apparently did not appreciate me not appreciating all he had done and he took off. This was Sunday morning and I have not heard from him since. Please note that I am not broken up over this or suffering or anything like that. I've been a big girl for a long time and so whatever... But the older I get the less I understand things.

I don't mean to offend good men here, just the mediocre ones.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Something my Son Said

Last night we were sitting outside on the front porch as we tend to do because we enjoy watching the traffic go by Also, our house faces east and we nightly watch the moon rise and dance around among the clouds and the palm fronds. There is a street light right across the street and we watch it too because it has its own mind and turns on when it damn well wants to and goes off when it wants to, too.

My boyfriend, my older son and I were sitting outside with our wine glasses after dinner, drinking what I like to call Zinfandel Blanc even though I believe the wine was bottled last week in California.

My son was telling us stories of his deployments. He doesn't always want to talk about his deployments, sometimes I've asked him a question and he just brushes me off. He wasn't in the mood to talk about those things. But last night he was talkative. His stories are always different and you can never tell if he's going to make you laugh or he's going to make you think "Oh God, I'm glad I didn't know what was happening over there."

He was telling us a story about when he was made platoon leader during his second deployment. He was picking who was going to do what in his platoon. And he said, "I immediately chose Smith because he was a senior Marine (meaning he had been in the Corps longer than the others) and he was still Lance Corporal. That could only mean that he wasn't an ass-kisser. So I chose him to be my right-hand man."

He's my son so I'm of course biased-and-beyond and adore and idolize him way more than is sensible. But in spite of being aware of my shortcomings as an objective observer, I felt so full of pride as I heard him say this. In two months he will be 23. At twenty-three he is smarter than most people I know. He is smarter than PhDs and people much older than he is by decades. He is way smarter than me and constellations smarter than I was at that age.

So we kept talking and laughing and sipping our wine outside while he told stories and my heart was just exploding in love and pride and awe at him.