Suicide Blonde

Friday, October 12, 2007

Friday Once More

Anyone who knows me knows that my weekend really starts on Wednesday afternoon sometime after lunch. After that hour, yes I'll be on the clock till five and I'll be in on Thursday and Friday, but in real terms, production for the week has stopped and will resume sometime near lunchtime on Monday morning or after three cups of coffee, whichever comes first.

I'm sure I hear some of you groaning, probably those of you who supervise other people in offices and have to crack the whip every now and then to get stuff done. Oh, but that is not my case. If I was forced to autodiagnose my psychiatric shortcomings, I would say that I am definitely bi-polar. I find "schizophrenic" too strong a term so I use bi-polar. I am very low energy in the mornings, to the point where most of my good and bad China has been broken then, and every day I have to wipe enormous spills of coffee grinds, or orange juice, or I have to pick stuff off the butter on the toast after it goes butter-side down on the floor. That is one thing someone should research, the reason why anything buttered will hit the floor butter-side down, never, EVER the other way. But it's ok, I apply the five-second rule very strictly.
The other occupants of my home are awakened (awoken?) from a deep sleep every dawn (dawn for me is 7:15 am) by the sweet clang of dropped kitchen utensils or the deafening crash of plates or cups on the tile floor. What the hey, they get fresh coffee and something to dunk in it, don't they?

Most of the time, I don't remember the ride to work, I guess I'm on auto-pilot, but this seems to work pretty well since I have an excellent driving record, mostly because I give the car in front of me a lot of distance just in case they are assholes or, like me, they are on auto-pilot too, which most of them are, judging from their driving skills or lack thereof.

By lunchtime, or after three cups of coffee, I am my usual productive self. As a model of bipolarity, I get a lot of stuff done after the coffee kicks in and usually I do several things at the same time and my to-do list gets greatly reduced after these bouts of manic activity. I realize I drive people insane during my crazy spurts of energy. If I have to call someone to get an answer, I will call repeatedly until I get the info I need. I'm nothing if not persevering and a pain in the butt while in this mode.

Not at all weirdly, I do not get the after-lunch sleepiness that everyone around me seems to get, especially after a high-carbohydrate lunch. I stay wired, and when I get home, even after working my part-time job several nights a week at the Thanksgiving Day Parade store, I need to sit on my porch and unwind for like 20 minutes before I shower and plop on the bed to watch whatever is on the tube (the boob one) or to read any one of a number of books that I have been simultaneously reading (but not finishing) for the past few months.

That being said, and it being 4:39 pm in my part of the world, a part where there are giant "palmetto bug" cockroaches and 758 different kinds of palm trees, not to mention turkey vultures nesting in the high-rise windows of swanky law offices downtown (which I think is the coolest thing), I am going to start preparing for Content Hour and for this glorious weekend, with my hunky boyfriend and my two sons at home. Life is good!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Soon I will be a millionaire

Two very important emails have managed to get through my place of employment's considerable Junk Mail Filter and have made it to my Inbox.
One is from a Nigerian gentleman who assures me that he is holding the tidy little sum of $5 million dollars and all he requires from me is that I tell him where to send me the money, which he is giving me because of my "past cooperation." It is kind of cute that his email starts with "Compliment" instead of Dear Ms. Carmenzta or Good morning. What do you respond to that? "Compliment Back, Yo"?
The other is from a lawyer in Spain who has informed me that he would like to wire me an inheritance of $3 million left to me by an unknown yet very generous relative.
You may be dealing with a millionairess here, people! I decided that once I received these monies, I would go online and order each and every item on the Bombay catalog, and if they have different colors, one in each color. I would also go to the store currently promoting all the Martha Stewart items and order one of each color, all items, kitchen, bed, bath, and whatever else they have. Personally I think Martha is a major Ice Queen and I don't feel at all close to her (and probably neither does her actual family) but I like the stuff she sells. What the hey, sue me.
With all the remaining money, I would:
1) Pay off my mortgage, that way I am ensured possession of one junky house. I don't want to move because I have a phobia about moving. All my loyal readers may not be aware that in my childhood years, moving was a way of life. We never stayed long anywhere, and sometimes we would start in a new elementary school just to be pulled out of it six months down the line. By "we" I mean my sister and me. At the time I was not aware of suffering much (other than I had no friends and that I was the weird new kid everywhere) but as I got older it just seemed to impact me worse and worse. I guess you could call it a slo-mo psychological reaction to stimuli, or something like that, it sounded good.
2) Spruce up my car. Again, I don't want a brand new car because I am attached to my cute 2001 Cherokee and it's very comfortable. I would paint it, put swell new seat covers on it, take it to get detailed and polished and whatever else they could talk me into. New tires too. Ones with actual TREADS.
3) Buy my poor relatives an apartment or a townhouse. This is just to appease them and keep them away from me. "Hey, I bought you a home, now you stay the hell away from me!"
4) Give a lot of money to a) St Jude Hospital and b) Disabled American Veterans. Even back when I was penniless I was always a sucker for those two charities. And I always will be.
5) Give my two sons and my niece equal sums of money so they could do whatever they wanted with it, even though I would counsel them to buy real estate with it instead of ordering one of each item from stores such as Bombay and whoever sells Martha Stewart stuff.
6) Put the rest in savings accounts, $100,000 in each because that's what the FDIC insures. Yep, you heard me right. I don't want to hand my money over to any company that would "work it" so that I would get more interest or more whatnot. I like the sure shot. I don't want my money to be in any risk whatsoever and financial managers need to get their cotton-picking hands off my money! All they want is to make money off it themselves. No way, you savage money-hungry vultures from hell!
7) I would keep working but take lots of vacation and kind of abuse the fact that I don't NEED the job, it would be fun. I had a wonderful co-worker who retired this year whom I love very much. We still keep in touch by email and phone. One day we were talking about this very subject, what we would do if we won the lotto. Without thinking, I said I would tell everyone in my office to go screw themselves and they would never see me again. She, being much more worldly-wise and intelligent, said that au contraire, she would stay around as long as she could and she would torture her mean co-workers until she got bored with it. Then she would quit and go hold crack babies in a hospital or something. I love that woman, she is the bomb.
Anyway, as soon as I get the money I will honor requests from my loyal readership. Just get in line and keep the line straight.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Firefox, Where Have You Been All My Life?

Firefox is absolutely wonderful! I can actually post on my blog, edit my posts, log in (LOG IN!!!) and everything actually works! I love this. Where has Firefox been all my life?

This is going to be a quick little post because it's 5:15pm and I have to leave one job to go to the next. Yes, people, I am working tonight and so it will be 10:30pm before I make it home and like 12 midnight before I hit the bed and remote control (these last two things usually happen simultaneously). But I just wanted to come in and post a little post, because, after all, I just CAN do it, thanks to Firefox.

::::singing a happy little song::::