Can't keep a good girl down

I am freshly back to the office after a very productive therapy session (cum ciggie) with my co-worker, twin soul-sistah S. Like every other human being on Earth, I have the capacity to suffer for a while, my stomach twisted into a knot, suffering nightmares every night, brain fried from asking myself "What did I do wrong?" or worse, "What could I have done differently?" I have tortured myself (and my loyal readers) for a few weeks now regarding the BF thing. But today it's a beautiful day out there... Really baby blue skies, with a few cotton-candy clouds, turkey vultures not anywhere in sight, the sun shining like a benevolent parent, a slight sea-smelling breeze blowing.

So, my point: Why keep suffering? Things will either be or not. People will either love you or not, or even hate you. You can't force people to want to be with you but neither can they impose their will on you. Life goes on, and really this is not going to continue being a problem for me. I won't let it. I have come to my limit of useless suffering and self-torture.

Yesterday, feeling very weak, unwanted and insignificant, I called my so-called BF twice. Once at around dinner time and then again at bedtime. During both calls he was very cordial and polite and subtly indicated to me that there was no interest on his part other than to have small talk. So, I gave up, I threw in the towel. He has my number and he has fingers to dial it if he so desires. But I cannot wait until he decides to call, because I am 52 for one more week and I need to have fun and live my life, just like anyone else.

I have been a good GF. I have loved him, really loved him. Helped him in any way I could, tried to be with him in good and in bad, gave him the benefit of the doubt always, stuck up for him, I did my best. I can at least feel a bit of pride in that. Then I can just go on. Breaking my usual routine, I will go to Happy Hour tonight with my sister and my friends and I know we will have fun. Good, clean fun.

Enjoy your day in your part of the world. Make sure you look at every little bird and every little flower and leaf and tree and cloud. Your problems will always be there (or may go away if you're lucky) but the beauty around us is our compensation for all the crap we have to go through. And it really does compensate!

"Tenemos" BF

For all of you who are just fed up with my going on and on about the BF thing, you can just click on the "X" on the upper right-hand side. Do it right now. For the rest of you that, like me, love to analyze everything from every conceivable angle and then discuss other angles not conceived with everyone around them until you puke, please read on...

On Friday we went to happy hour as is our custom. We had a nice enough time. I danced for hours with this very sweet guy who can really dance and who is very into me but since I had my ex-BF thing unresolved, I would not have encouraged in any way.

At 10:45 pm we left, Friday had been a long day and we are getting up in years so those late nights are a thing of the past unless we have a nap sometime during the day. Yikes, I never thought I would say that, but that's life. As I was driving home, my cell phone rings and who should it be but my BF. For two very long seconds I stared at the phone and considered not answering. Then I answered it. I was hoping I didn't sound breathless, but I probably did. He was as smooth as a newborn baby's behind, and just asked how I was in that velvety voice. I said, cautiously, that I was fine. He said he wanted to wish me a Happy Mother's Day (On Friday night?) and asked if I was at Juancho's because he was headed that way. I told him I was on my way home... Anyway to make a long story short, I made up with him. I have feelings for this man, he is perfect except for his inability to talk about feelings or emotions. Is that such a bad thing? I didn't feel that it was on Friday night. And for a few hours (until Saturday morning) everything was "La Vie en Rose."

However, several things happened afterwards:

1) Saturday night he had a family party to attend. I was not invited and no mention was made of the fact that he was going by himself. He did call me at 10:30 pm to tell me he was headed home.

2) Sunday (Mother's Day) we had dinner at my house and I asked him if he wanted to come over and he said "Maybe." He didn't come over and he had dinner at his sister's, of which I was not part.

3) He asked me to go to his place on Sunday night and I did and he proceeded to talk about a vacation we were planning to take together before the split as "When I go to Timbuktu," not as "When we go to Timbuktu." So I guess I'll get to know Timbuktu on my own.

At the risk of alienating even those of you who are following this closely (Is anyone interested?), I will just say that I don't believe there is much future in this thing. I stopped calling it a relationship because it really isn't one.

So there it is: I have a BF but I don't think I REALLY, REALLY have one. Capish? If any of you would like to leave condolences, you may do so in the Comments section. Sigh.

Would you buy a car from this woman?

My DL: I'm not selling any cars and I'm NOT an axe murderess, that I can tell you, but actually this DL picture was a huge improvement to the last one. My previous DL pic had a photo defect (it was too a defect) that made it seem like green slime was trickling out of the side of my mouth. So when I saw this one I heaved a big sigh of relief because even though I have the same look on my face that Lorena Bobbitt had on hers just before she did the famous deed, it's a lot better than the Transylvanian DL I had to show for many years. Oh yeah, and this picture was taken when I still blow-dried my hair in the morning. I haven't done that for years. I stopped caring if people didn't like frizzy hair.

So Kindness, what do you think, you thought your picture was awful? And if you stare at this picture and move around the room, my gaze will actually follow you. Very, very creepy.

Fence-sitting on the BF thing: I have come to realize that I have two types of friends. One category of friends believes that I am being pig-headed and stubborn (I tend to agree more with this type of friend) about the BF issue and that I am going to lose a good man with whom I was compatible for two years just because I am too proud to call him and try to talk things out. My second category of friends advises me that they will all stop talking to me if I call him because if I do I will be very simply allowing him to "punish" me further by being mean and unavailable if I do call him. And further, that if he had any interest in calling me he would have done so.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention that last Friday I saw my ex-boyfriend at Casa Juancho. He came in all casual and shit, my sister and I said hello and we exchanged some cold pleasantries with him and then he proceeded to stand behind me while I sat at the bar for an hour while he drank his drink. It kind of looked like this picture, which I found on Adam's blog:

For clarity's sake, I'm the gray cat sitting at the bar and he's the black & white cat behind me. Yes, we looked at each other like that. When he finished his drink he left and I went outside but he had gone. Then I did the stupidest thing which I had sworn to myself I wouldn't do: I called him. He answered with an acid and annoyed "HELLO?" and I asked him, "I just want to know if you have any interest in talking about this thing." To which he answered, "I already talked to you." So, dejectedly, I thanked him and hung up. There has been nothing from him since. I guess I can assume that he has no interest in our relationship. Right? Please feel free to go to the comments section and cast your vote. Thank you.

Mother's Day: To all you wonderful moms out there, I hope you have a great Mother's Day and that you get some nice, significant gifts, as you well deserve. I hope you get the perfume that you like, or the purse you've been saving for or a yummy and expensive brunch, with Mariachis playing in the background and two or three Mimosas parked right in front of your plate with a nice nap afterwards... You all deserve the very best on this day! My love to all of you.

I would love to stick around and continue talking about important subjects but I have to touch up make-up and nails before I head out to "Content Hour" (we ARE all in our fifties). Toodle-ooo!

Stuff

TGIF. Another Friday arrives and another week gone. The predictable and reassuring cycle of the work week continues, and even though we are like the cute little hamsters at their wheels, we are blissfully not aware of it on Friday and actually look forward to enjoying the weekend, which is the establishment's way of letting us think that we actually have "lives." Uh huh. Thanks?

Some items are outlined below (meaning: I cannot focus enough at the present time to post on any one subject):

School is very important: During the time that I was away, supposedly in the witness protection program, I took a class at the educational institution at which I am employed full-time (because I am also employed part-time). I have to say that I enjoyed the class, even though my classmates could have all been my grandchildren. I also have to say that I did learn some things in the class and that it was interesting and useful. Eventually, according to my master plan, I will amass 36 graduate credits and then I will have a master's degree. Do I really desire this? No. Can I keep on getting promoted without it? Again, no. Thus, my efforts in this direction. I will probably be at retirement age by the time I finish, but I'm pigheaded that way. I am very proud to say that I got an "A" in the class. I have never really focused much on grades but I find that to get a good grade a person just has to be very clear on what the instructor wants and then just give it to them. So if the syllabus of a class spells out that the margins on your paper are supposed to be an inch all around, just do it that way. Instructors, via their huge and uncontrollable egos, get upset if their tiniest instructions are not followed. So, I learned early on to just make sure I got all the details of the assignments, attended all the classes (I always went to school even sick), and really listened to all the lectures. Simple really, a chimp could do it. Or a Republican.

Boyfriendlessness: Yeah, the guy hasn't called me and I am not going to call him either. Pigheaded, I said. I had a weak moment on Wednesday morning. I woke up thinking, "What am I doing? Why can't I just be done with this and call him and find out WTF happened?" I came in to work all resolved and shit to call him and behave like a normal person. Then, my friend and co-worker, S, who is by the way my emotional and spiritual twin (that's another post), said to me, "DO NOT CALL THAT MOFO." And went on to ask me why I had even considered calling him. I sheepishly said in a whiny little voice, "Well, that way I will know why he is acting like this." I blinked a couple of times while she inhaled, I knew something was coming. It was. She said, "You don't know why he's acting like this? Because he doesn't give a crap about you. There. You have your answer. If you call him you put yourself in the situation where he's going to have to spell out the fact to you that you are not important to him. Then you'll feel stupid and dumped. Don't do it." God bless my friend and coworker, S. She woke me up from the stupid little dream I was dreaming that morning. Can you imagine if I did drugs? Too much confusion as it is. She is totally right. She is also correct about another thing, every day it gets a little bit better. I am getting used to the singleness again. I am feeling better and no longer am I spending every single moment wondering why and asking myself what I did wrong. S is a good friend. And so is my sister who has listened to me go on and on about this situation and analyze it from every angle and has thoughtfully and lovingly provided intelligent imput. I am blessed with great people in my life, with the exception of my ex-boyfriend.

53: Is it possible that I will soon be three years older than a half century? Yes, it is possible and it's sad what 53 looks like! Pathetic is a better word. Anyway, I'm here and it does not hurt to breathe so I'm lucky. I have another very dear friend and coworker whom I love very much, G, who recently overcame colon cancer and is now recovering. He is a very intelligent and warm person, took care of his mother years ago when she was sick and nearly went bankrupt because he stopped working to nurse her. Now he's sick and he has no one to help him. He comes and sits in my "confessional" (my office is very small) once or twice a week, we chew the fat and sometimes I trim his eyebrows. He said to me a couple of weeks ago that he doesn't want to die or anything but that if he does he feels he has lived a wonderful life and would be prepared to go. How many people see things this way? I admire his courage and his outlook and I want to be just like him.

Happy Hour: The world does not end just because one solitary man refused to walk me to my car on a dark and scary night, so I'm off to Casa Juancho later for my one night a week of drinks, dancing and fun. I did my nails last night and washed hair this morning, so I'm presentable and I have a cute little outfit (ok it's not little) with cute sandals to wear, which I will be changing into in about an hour and a half.

To all: have a nice weekend and I'll be checking your blogs first thing on Monday. It's on my calendar. And hey! Hey!!! Be careful out there!